The Questions about Building a Nontraditional Family We Love to Hate (And What Actually Helps)

If you’ve ever tried to build a nontraditional family outside the standard “cheap bottle of wine and 25 minutes” model, you’ve heard some version of these questions:

• “Any updates?”

• “Why is it taking so long?”

• “Are you sure your clinic is good?”

• “At least you get to travel.”

• “How much has this cost?”

• “Who’s the real dad?”

• “What are you going to do about work?”
  

We recently recorded two podcast episodes unpacking these questions that we love to hate about adoption, surrogacy, and related topics. 

Listen to our full episode on why traditional advice falls flat here.

Not to shame anyone. Not to mock well-meaning friends. But to explain why some of the most common questions — even loving ones — can land like pressure. Because most of them aren’t malicious.

They’re just… misdirected.

The Adoption/Surrogacy Process Questions

Let’s start with the classics:

“Any updates on adoption/surrogacy?”

This one seems harmless. Thoughtful, even. But here’s what it often implies:

• That there should be an update.

• That we owe you one.

• That silence equals failure.

The reality of infertility, adoption, IVF, or surrogacy is that progress is often invisible. It’s waiting. It’s medical clearance. It’s legal paperwork. It’s “come back next cycle.”

When the answer is “no update,” the question can quietly turn waiting into something that feels like incompetence. A better approach? “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you holding up?”

Notice that’s not a request for status. It’s an invitation to share — or not.

“Why is adoption/surrogacy taking so long?”

Asking why it takes so long to adopt usually comes from frustration on our behalf. We get that. But it assumes inefficiency. Or a mistake. Or a lever we forgot to pull.

Trust me — we’ve pulled every lever.

There are medical protocols. Legal constraints. Biological timing. Sometimes multiple countries’ laws. Sometimes multiple disrupted adoptions or miscarriages you don’t know about.

Asking “Why is it taking so long?” makes it sound like we misplaced a file. A better alternative? “This has been a long road. That must be exhausting.” That acknowledges reality without assigning blame.

“Are you sure your adoption/surrogacy agency/clinic is good?”

Or its cousin: “Why isn’t the adoption/surrogacy agency/clinic trying harder?” These questions land as: Did you even do your homework?

After years of research, interviews, contracts, loans, heartbreak, and due diligence — being asked whether we picked the right adoption agency or surrogacy clinic feels like being told we might have bought the wrong house after we’ve already moved in.

Support sounds like: “You two are thoughtful planners. I’m sure you’ve done everything you can.” Because we have.

“How long are you going to keep trying the adoption/surrogacy process?”

Or worse: “Have you thought about stopping the adoption/surrogacy process?”

We have stopped before. We have taken breaks. We have hit emotional walls. And here’s the hard truth: you don’t know you’re done until you’re done.

There’s no preset number. No “five tries and we quit” rule. This question often comes from concern. But it can feel like someone gently pushing you toward surrender.

Instead, try: “If this is what you want, I’m here to support you through it.” That leaves the decision where it belongs.

Question about the Future of our (Nontraditional) Family

Then there are the questions that assume success in building our nontraditional family— but still sting.

“At least you get to travel/sleep/save money.”

Yes, we travel. Yes, we sleep. Yes, we’ve built a life while waiting so we don’t have regrets. But “at least” reframes our present life as a consolation prize. You’re seeing Africa photos. You’re not seeing the setback that made Africa feel like the only thing keeping us afloat.

You’re seeing dinner reservations. You’re not seeing the loans. You’re seeing freedom. You’re not seeing longing.

A better framing:

“I admire how you’re still living fully while you wait.”

That honors both realities.

“How much has adoption/surrogacycost?”

No.

Just no.

There are questions that are curious. There are questions that are intimate. There are questions that are inappropriate.

This one lives in the third category.

Money, especially pertaining to fertility and adoption, is layered with depression and grief, risk, and sunk cost. It’s not cocktail conversation.

If you wouldn’t ask someone how much they make, don’t ask how much they’ve spent trying to become a parent.

“Who’s the real dad?”

Or:

“What will you tell the baby about not having a mom?”

Let’s start here: We both are. We are two dads building a nontraditional family.

Children know who shows up in both traditional and LGBTQ+ families. Biology matters in medical contexts. It doesn’t define love, legitimacy, or parenthood.

And if you felt a flicker of discomfort reading this section, that’s worth sitting with.

There is no version of this question that comes from a neutral place.

“What are you going to do about work after having a child as two dads?”

The short answer? The same thing every other parent does. Figure it out.

The longer answer?

We’ve thought about it. We think about it constantly. We’ve mapped adoption timelines that may never happen. We’ve modeled leave scenarios that depend on surrogacy pregnancies that don’t exist yet.

This question often forces us into hypotheticals about a future we don’t know is coming. A more helpful version:

“I’m sure you’ve thought about what to do about work as two dads. When the time comes, you’ll make it work.”

Because we will.

The Pattern of Hurtful Questions:

Most of the hurtful questions about building a nontraditional family are framed as questions. Most of the supportive alternatives are statements.

Questions can feel like pressure. Statements can feel like warmth. Instead of: “Why is it taking so long?” Try: “This must be really hard.”

Instead of: “Any updates?” Try: “I’m here.”

Instead of trying to solve it, analyze it, timeline it, or optimize it — Hold space. Silence isn’t awkward when someone is grieving uncertainty around adoption or surrogacy.

It’s respectful.

If You’re the One Waiting to Build Your Nontraditional Family

We know.

• We know the knife-edge feeling before a beta test.

• We know the financial strain.

• We know the stop-start cycles.

• We know the “at least you…” comments.

You’re not overly sensitive. You’re carrying something heavy. And if you need to send this essay to someone in your life with the note, “Please read this before our next conversation,” We support that.

Because at the end of the day, most people want to help be supportive.

They just need better language

Listen to the full podcast episode